Cucumber Madness!

I know what you were thinking when you saw the title of this post, you dirty dirty deviant, but alas, you were wrong. Of course my assumption of what you were thinking probably speaks more to my character than yours, but lets just roll with it regardless.

Anyhoo, to the topic at hand. The Royal Wedding. Now, let me preface this post by saying that I couldn't give two hoots about the wedding, and care even less now its all over. However, even my general distaste for the whole event couldn't have stretched as far as some conspiracy theorists' conclusions.

There's enough bad feeling about the logistics and spending involved with the wedding to stun a team of oxen in their tracks, but the best (and by far, the brightest) is a theory that it was all done to raise the profile and selling power of....wait for it.....cucumbers!!

Apparently, in preparation for the wedding day celebrations, the British public (or at least the "Monarchists" amongst us) rushed out to purchase bucket loads of those undeniably enjoyable green phallic vegies knowing full well that cucumber sandwiches are the snack of choice for the refined and wealthy.

The fact that sales of the 'umbers rose considerably in the lead up to the wedding is substantiated somewhat by a report from Waitrose showing a 50% increase in the number of 'umbers sold during the wedding period.

Even in the face of that, you have to ask yourself: What kind of pill popping, toilet-water-drinking loony takes that snippet of information and comes up with a conspiracy based on the assumed allegiance of the Royal Family to the agricultural industry, or just the 'umbers in general?!

I mean, if that's such a believable theory, then why not assume the wedding was all about the bread sales in an effort to assist the waning farming industry as well as retail.

Either way it seems to be out there. Whether it's popularity is growing or not, I have no idea. I simply marvel in the maniacs out there and rejoice in my opportunity to witness such overwhelming idiocy, if for no other reason than it gives me something to say.

Religious Shennanigans

Well, I'll bring my blog to life once more with an act that most who know me will fully expect: a rant.

Having discovered Stumble some time ago, I was floundering through the world of the interwebs when I came across a site showing some beautiful pictures from space.

Whilst interesting to me, this in itself wouldn't be worthy of bloggage. However, the comments attached to the page do allow me to elevate this humble page to bloggage status.

As I started reading, and had I the presence of mind to film my reaction, you would see my expressions gradually (but dramatically) change from that of boyhood awe to that of impatience, frustration and finally outright irritation.

How is that, on the same canvas as these wonderful images; in the presence of something awe inspiring and tending to illicit the philosophical, that the comments could degree into such mind numbing idiocy.

Were the readers "wow-ed" by the incredible images of our Earth from a perspective we could only dream of experiencing? Were they dumbfounded by the beauty, grace and power of this Earth?

Well...no.

Somehow they managed to devolve into a debate (though not a particularly articulate one) on religion, creation and all things God.

Now, don't get me wrong, I can see the inevitable connection between the beauty and magnificence represented by these pictures, and His Holiness, but a religious debate? Really? Honestly people, surely you are now just spoiling for a fight anywhere you can get it.

Does a website so lovingly created to share wonder really need you bunch of numpties bringing it down in some kind of semi-orgasmic, deity inspired, brain fart. Couldn't you just appreciate the dignity and outright aesthetic value of the pictures showcased without having to demand that others acknowledge that this is a sight clearly created by God?

Apparently not.

It's probably worth me noting at this stage that I am, in fact, a religious person. I follow a path of worship, recognise the existence of a devine being(s) and fully respect others' rights to (though it should also be noted, for the record that I am not Christian). However, what I don't do, is take every opportunity to ram my own religion down other people's throats at every turn. What I don't do is find any excuse to connect something of beauty/value/morality/kindness or indeed any of the other examples popping into your head right now, with the existence of a God, the practice of my particular religion or the need to save ones soul.

I, a religious follower, am capable of appreciating beauty without referencing my faith, or more importantly, ramming my beliefs down someone's throat in a failing attempt to brow-beat them into accepting my point of view as fact.

Sadly, thats exactly what happened on this particular site, and it saddened me greatly. I was hugely appreciative of the effort taken to share these pictures with us, the denizens of the interwebz, but was ultimately turned off by the raging theological discussion that burst into life following them.

What a sad state of affairs. Sometimes, I understand why people are afraid to admit they have faith - none of us sane practitioners want to be labelled as one of "them".

You looking at me chicken neck?!

Gah!

That sums up my morning so far - gah!

I woke this morning to pleasant tweeting from the bitch that is my mobile phone.

"Get up you filthy waster...and make me some breakfast" it said.

That was weird.

Anyways, I arose, knowing I had to go to that god-awful place that all filthy wasters like me must attend on a fortnightly basis - the tax dodging office, known better to most as The Job Centre.

Bearing in mind that through a rather unpleasant twist of fate I ended up unemployed some time ago, it's in my interests to attend ye olde demotivation shope each fortnight to claim my measly pennies for being a tax dodging leech on society.

And so, with a hop, skip and a jump I was showered, dressed and off to visit the monster that would claim my eternal soul. Ha! Little does it know that I sold that off a long time ago to a man in the stress, who smelt faintly of smouldering concrete.

I arrived at the unholy place a good deal earlier than necessary, and handed my book over to the mute security guard who always looks at me with a mix of sheer loathing and a want to ravage my deepest and darkest places.

After shuddering I proceeded to the touch screen panels at which I might find salvation, however unlikely.

Suddenly, I was called, 15 minutes early.

"Gosh, golly and shim shim sheroo!" I proclaimed at the surprise.

"Good Morning Mr B, How are you?" said the same chap who usually sees me.
"Well thanks, you?" I replied in a tone that was carefully chosen so as not to seem rude, but equally so as not to encourage too much conversation.
"I'm good thanks, right lets get this done shall we?"

I assumed the position.

"Oh...." he said with a face that a dog only makes when being fed through a mincer.

"Oh?" I replied expecting the worst.

"You have an appointment for a review today at 13:40, Hamish (real name withdrawn) will sign you then, you don't need to be here"

Despite my mental flash which saw me gut the pathetic weed and proceed to exterminate the rest of the inhabitants of the building in various bloody ways, I controlled my anger.

"Em...and I was to know of this, how?"

"Oh you didn't get a letter? Well the person who signed you last time would have told you"

"You signed me last time", I replied, without hint of amusement in my voice.

"Oh!"

"Indeed"

When it became apparent he was slowly turning into a deer in headlights, I prompted him once more.

"So, can I be seen earlier then since its clear I was unaware of the appointment and no one saw fit to enlighten me?"

"Hold on, I'll go and ask Hamish if he can fit you in", he whimpered, scuttling off.

"Oh goody", I replied.

A few moments later, our friend and his newly found ally Hamish came over.

"Mr B, you would have gotten a letter about this appointment"

"I'm sure you'll maintain it was sent, but I can assure you, it never arrived, and I am getting all the rest of my post"

"Hmm..well I wont be able to see you before 13:40 I'm afraid, I'm just going on a tea break then I'll be busy with customers all the way up to your appointment and beyond"

"The increasingly intense look of thunder on my face caused him to take a step back, as I stood up"

"and I have arrangements today so as I see it, the only option is to reschedule it"

"Oh we can't do that, and you MUST attend"

"Are you deliberately trying to provoke me Hamish. Should I be waiting for someone with a camera to jump out about now...or is it you're just not listening to me?"

He stood there dumbfounded.

"Forget it I said, I'll make sure to put a complaint in" I ranted as I left.

On the way down the road back to the mansion, I thought about it and wondered why I hadn't asked to speak to a manager.

I got straight on the phone, and destroyed a woman, who we'll call, Isobel (why? because I can! - deal with it) who promptly offered to reschedule the appointment for Monday. Of course, that made me worse in some ways, given I had been told that was an impossibility.

After another rant in which she valiantly fought to get a word in edgeways, and subsequently failed, she agreed that I could have my appointment today, before 12 o clock, as I had to come and sign anyway, since the fools I had seen earlier had failed to do so.

So after my second trip into the wastelands of Wester Hailes, surrounded in the Job Centre by the great unwashed, I was seen by Isobel, who looked like a cross between a chicken and clitoris and she sorted everything, after 40 mins.

Honestly, they could save us all a lot of trouble by sacking themselves, and giving us the jobs they do, because clearly some of them can't make it to the shitter without a map and a torch.

Fucktards! It's been a while since I've used that terminology, but it seems somewhat appropriate.

However, I am calmed now, somewhat, and I can get back to my day.

I'm off to play Portal now :D

Denny Crane, over and out.

Ok, there is definitely a problem.....

This week has been...how should I put it...hell.

As at least one person has commented, my latests posts have not sounded very happy. It's because I am not. Revelations about the apparent lack of success in my life aside, there are other things bothering me, which are, put bluntly, fucking with my Chi.

Everyday I go through a number of steps to ensure I am a calm, controlled and focussed person. This routine is responsible for my change in character, my ability to control my emotions about those things going on around me, and my resolve towards my loved ones.

Now, here comes the problem. I can't do it now. Confused? Yeah, I thought so - let me explain.

Somehow, this past week has been more emotionally straining than any recently. And somehow, that stress is messing with my ability to focus. I can't meditate. I can't bubble*, I can't focus and my dreams are worse than they have ever been before.

It's making me nuts. I feel like a raging neurotic, incapable of maintaining any kind of mood, and incapable of making rational decisions.

I think, as far as others noticing, its only appeared as mild so far, however internally, it's ripping me apart. I am only just capable of holding things together, and whilst I am not dependent on this daily ritual, it's absence presses me more and more every day.

I think I am going to go mad.

B

*Bubble: A method "sensitive" people use to block out stray and powerful emotions they pick up from others (yeah yeah I know, some of you won't believe in it).

Literary Laughs

I've been meaning to post for a bit, but I've either not been in the mood or been busy with festive stuff.

First of all - Happy New Year to you all! May thi year herald all those things you wished the last had.

Now that the formalities are over with - allow me to blether on about something I spotted in the shops between Christmas and New Year. Ross, Annalee and I headed down to Ocean Terminal to do a bit of Xmas shopping with our pennies, and one of the first stops was Waterstones. Now, under normal circumstances, I would not have gone in.

"Why?" I hear you ask. "Does it offend your faith?", "Have you been banned for some heinous act?", "Are you really a tree?". All valid questions, and all answers a resounding no. Generally speaking, I don't allow myself into Waterstones because if I go in, I am incapable of coming out without having spent something; And to elaborate further "something" tends to be a foolish amount. The last time I tried it I went in with money from someone else to pick them up a paperback they had asked me to get on the way to their house. I went in, I picked up said paperback and I came out again. Except somewhere picking up the paperback and reaching the front door I managed to pick books up, take them to the till and spend over £70!!

So since then, I have had to restrain myself by not even going in. On this day however, I had pennies to spend, so I saw no harm. Of course I came out with the obligatory purchases that I had expected (6 books to be precise), but whilst in there, I spotted this little beauty:



MARIA!!!! (and I actually did shout that in Waterstones, much to Ross and Annalee's amusement).

I just about collapsed in laughter. I guess it's funnier for a Freemason (being me), but still - come on. I simply had to take a pic to share with you all!

I had a quick flick through it to see if I could find reference to some of the elements of Freemasonry that should not be out there in the public domain (anyone who shouts sheep will indeed be assassinated I assure you - yeah that's right, I have such power:P) but there was nothing. So how is exactly is it "Freemasonry for Dummies", if it doesn't educate you fully on the subject! I have a few of the 'dummies series on varies subjects, however this did lower my opinion a little.

How do they do it then? How do they educate you, when they have not told you everything? Well, technically, from what I could see, it should really be entitled "The History of Freemasonry" as it really only talks about the links to events of the past, the physical art of Stone Masonry, and eludes to a few of the speculative elements, without really telling you anything.

Come on guys - you're supposed to be educating the common man - not leading them up the garden path!!


:)