Loving the Journey

Had an odd day yesterday I had to admit.

Actually - hold on! I just realised that the minute I notice I have had a good day, its suddenly odd. That's not right surely!

Had a good day yesterday! Ah there - better! In fact, I admit to having had a considerable amount of good days lately. The reasons for my good days are relatively inconclusive, and can't really be attributed to any particular event. I guess I got myself into a bit of a spiral where everyday was a downer and I just wanted to close my eyes. But not anymore!!

The reason for yesterday being such a good day is, I have to say, even more of a mystery to me, as I was bored senseless at work. I was sitting in what the technicians call "a holding pattern" (never ceases to make me smirk) as I was awaiting data from some other areas of the business before I could proceed with the project I had undertaken. As a result, I spent the day on "housekeeping" tasks and generally not doing much. I helped a few of the guys with some problems they were having, but for the most part myself and Colin sat and exchanged foolish witticisms for most of the day, including the theory that the muffin Colin was consuming was actually doing more work than us. I swear it chuckled at that revelation - as if mocking me.

Annnyyywwaaaayyy....

After cancelling my 6pm vid conference, I headed off early, and proceeded to head up to the flat (my new home as of the 8th of Sept) to pick some stuff up from Kevy. After some decent chat with Mr McAvinchey, and a bit of chat with Karen (who was dreadfully ill - poor sod that she is), I decided to make my way home.

It has to be said the meadows is a wonderful place to live in the summer. I decided to investigate local bus routes and so, instead of bee-lining for home, I meandered through the meadows, heading in the general direction of Forrest Road. The sun was going down, which cast a magnificent haze across the buildings of Edinburgh, giving the trees a phosphorescent glow between the mass of leaves still present. The place was still bustling with activity, but not in a Princes Street kind of way, and I found it to be extrememly pleasant.

Now, anyone who knows me is aware that I walk nowhere! It's not down to laziness (for the most part anyway), its more that I don't like to travel for too long, instead looking to arrive at my destination as quickly as is possible. I like the arrival at my location, not the journey to get there. That desire has hightened in recent years.

Still, I found myself wandering. Westwards towards Tollcross. Northerly towards Princes Street. North-Westerly towards Dalry. I wandered, not aimlessly, but curiously towards my destination, enjoying the jouney immensely. Still, even though the sun was all but down, did I enjoy the scenery, basking in the now dimming light of the big orange ball; Admiring the haze on Edinburgh's brickwork, and the glint on her windows.

It was, humourously, my stomach which broke me free of my glorious journey, reminding me that, whilst the greatest of travellers takes in all the sights he can on the way, he must still eat. It was then that I jumped on a good ol' bus to conclude my journey.

I walked into the house yesterday evening with a huge smile on my face (to the surprise of my parents, who have become used to my less than enthusiastic expressions in the last year since moving back home) and spoke evangelically about my experience, and how happy I felt.

It would seem I really did enjoy the journey. Long may that enjoyment, and that desire for life that I have been reminded of by some people, continue.

Progress is a trip across the bridge....

Is there really a balance to life I wonder?

We, as a people, often endulge in little half-truths or "granny's myths" (ironically closer to rhyming with "Granny Smiths" than I would like, but there we go), in order to make us feel better, or more justified in our cynical view of the world.

"Bad luck comes in threes"...and the likes.

So, is there really a balance. If you were to tally up the bad against the good, would the score be even? Is every negative act in our lives bolstered and counteracted by a positive one, even if its not immediate, or in order? I guess thats a question of perception, and temperament - for both skew our interpretation of what is good or bad, what is right and wrong.

And so I move from a generic generalised viewpoint, to a selfish, and more specific life. Mine.

Can the most recent good thing that has happened force those other less than enjoyable experiences to the background? Can it spread light across those incidents which have cast shadows on my spirit of late. Possibly, is the most direct answer I can come up with.

This was the beginning I needed. A new job, a new start. I look on this new job as a positive thing. It actually made me smile, and strangely, made members of my family tell me they were proud of me. I wonder if they were proud of me because they thought I had fixed myself, rather than simply securing new employment - the step to a new beginning. I know not, but their sentiments and comments were heartfelt and genuine, and for me, there can be no greater compliment.

So, a new job. A good thing to balance the bad? Perhaps. I didn't get here how I wanted to, but none of us ever do. If we had that much control over life, would it ever really be a challenge? Yet, if we did, would we all be so sorry to see an end to the challenge? In answering that question, I find myself referring to yet another well used, feel good "granny's myth":

"Everything in moderation...everything in moderation".

A Great Hole

'You're shy aren't you?'

'What?'

'You - you're shy'

'You've moved from asking me to telling me I see'

The look on her face was one of confusion, mixed perhaps with a little hurt. I, shamefully, hardly cared.

She proceeded to toss her hair across her shoulder in mock guesture. It seemed as if she might be practicing for a L'Oreal advertisment; All that was necessary was for her to tell me she was "worth it" and the picture was complete. Instead she grinned at me, and placed her hand on my shoulder.

'Have I done something to upset you honey?'

My look of incredulity didn't seem to pierce the surface. It could have been the alcohol. It could have been the makeup. I am unclear on the specifics.

'You haven't been around for long enough, or said enough to have upset me'

Again, confusion.

She stared at me out the top of her eyes, smirking slightly, as if we were playing some game of will, which I suppose, in some perverted fashion, we were.

'You're a strange one you'

I smirked. Not to be playful, but because of the absurd lack of knowledge she had. Because she had no idea how strange I really was, and no way of knowing.

She took it the wrong way.

She moved a little closer, tryin to navigate her way round me, between the others close by. Her hand went through the gap between the inside of my arm and my ribs and she took my forearm in her hand. My sigh, and apparent lack of interest was deflected by her field of stupidity and emptiness.

The band stopped playing, and my friend turned round from across the bar and put a thumb in the air. I nodded in response, silently agreeing that I liked what I had heard - from the band at least.

As people moved away towards the bar, she spun round on me, so she was face to face with me, all be it a little lower. She looked up, again out of the top of her eyes, and seemed to push her breasts out. There was clear line of sight down her low cut top, and it occured to me that despite my lack of interest, she boasted a fine figure.

She ran her hand up the outside of my arm and up my shoulder. I almost rolled my eyes at how cliche' the whole thing was. Her right hand went up to my face, curling to the back of my neck.

She pulled me towards her, preparing to kiss me. She closed her eyes, and in truth, I let her. I let her touch me, pull me towards her, close her eyes, even open her mouth a little, before I stopped.

'What is it?'

'Why?'

'Why what?'

'Why now, why would you want to kiss me?'

She tilted her head to the side a little in slight confusion - not for the first time I noted. I also noted that the expression itself was quite cute, and that she was in fact quite beautiful.

'I dont want to. I have no interest in you, and you have no interest in me, well apart from perhaps your interest in a quick fumble in the dark.'

She grinned. 'Maybe, but wouldn't that be fun and exciting?'

My mind, in a split second considered the answer I was inevitably going to give, and screamed at me. It wondered what was going on inside me. It slapped my brain, telling it to get its act together; telling it to snap out of its delirium.

'No'

She frowned, but hardly crumbled. So I made sure.

'You're empty and more to the point, so am I'

Confusion.

I rolled my eyes wondering how blunt I would have to be, and bizarrely it didn't bother me in the slightest if I had to destroy this girl. It was that lack of caring that told me I was indeed empty.

She let me off the hook. Off she went, grabbed her friend, who was attached to mine, and took off. My friend walked over to me with his arms open comically. I didn't laugh. I left.

What a bastard.

Starting A-fresh

Sometimes I feel that every major event in my life is accompanied by the creation of a new blog, LJ or some other online posting facility. Thinking on it, this seems highly ridiculous, and makes me wonder what I was thinking at the time. The irony of that contemplation is that by writing this, I am conforming to that very principle to which I presume not to understand.

Ah well, we are creatures of habit after all.

Myriad. Thats a good word for the thoughts inside my head at this point. The following comments are going to appear completely self absorbed, unappreciative and niave and in fairness, they will at least truthfully be of the former qualification.

Life, when I felt it was about at its hardest, just got harder. I wont go into miniscule detail over the why's and hows of the situation, except to say that life for the last 2 years has been a concentration of pain, anguish, loss and general discomfort, more so than any other period in my life. In the last 6 months, I have had to let go of a lot of things, whether I wanted to or not. I gave up the woman I loved, because that love was indeed unrequited, and with her the little girl I think of as my own. Now, after having to do that my best friend has done something that I cannot see past. He has betrayed me in a way I never thought he would.

I have often placed trust in people, and they have let me down, as people often do to others. Trying not to become the ultimate pessimist, I did my best not to allow that to affect the decisions of trust I would make in the future. I was aware that there was a risk involved, and that it was unlikely that no one would ever let me down in the future, but still I tried to continue to hold faith in the people around me.

It amuses me how much things change. The man I called family, the man whom with I placed every ounce of faith, was the man who eventually destroyed me. I shy when I think of it, because not only did he betray me, but in doing so, I have changed for the worst.

So now, a man whom I thought would never leave my life except to rise to that spiritual existence which I hope meets us all when we pass from this infernal world, has been ejected. I have never looked on him with true anger and despair before. Always have I revered him, respected him, loved him; Now, I have no idea who he is. He is a shell, a man I cannot connect with, because I do not understand how he could do what he has done after everything we have been through.

So, I must start again. It has a certain appeal, I admit. However, starting again is so much work, and it does not prevent my mind from creeping into the past in search of the things that made me who I am. The things, the people, the times that I loved...all of it.

My pain numbs me. His will pass with time no doubt. His life will take him places which may or may not bring him happiness, but soon I will be forgotten, and he will move on. It has begun already, and I find I resent him for it. I know that to be unfair as we all must move on with our lives. We all have skeletons and things to atone for, and he will do his best to atone for his mistakes, as I do for mine. But still, regardless of that logic in my head, I find myself resenting his recovery. Does hate swell inside me now, after all these years. After spending so long trying to make up for those awful things I have done in the past, and trying to be a forgiving, understanding, strong person; Does hate live here now?

How am I to know? If it does, does it blind me? Can a destroyed soul every really heal?