Digital Decorating pt3

Well, I decided, eventually, to do a bit more work on the template to see if I could pretty-it-up a bit. You'll see from the side section what I am thinking of doing, but the images are a little too big, and I need to balance them up.

Still, the HTML elements are in now, so its just the simple task of working with the artwork a little to try and scale and balance.

It's feeling a little more homey now :)

Holy Duck Billed Platypus...

...they killed Carson - YOU BASTARDS!

I spent the whole 15 minutes afterwards waiting for the get out clause. You know, the world saving - people rescuing - changing the orbit of the sun style get out clause which allows the writers to keep a key cast member alive. No such luck.

Damn you Martin Gero!!

Just when you thought you had folk figured out....

...they go and do something you didn't expect.

Yesterday was not one of my better days. All in all, it could have been a lot worse, since very little of a "nasty" nature occurred, however I did lose my cool a bit and was not as composed and calm as I pride myself on being these days.

I guess we all have our bad days, but I am bothered when I allow my frustrations to overwhelm my ability to remain calm and controlled. Yesterday was such a day.

I think it was probably a culmination of a number of things, however thats no excuse.

Here's to a better day today (cold not withstanding).

When someone uses a movie quote to sum you up...

...it often hits home harder than you thought.

"I don't think you're broken. I think you're mildly sprained; Nothing that can't be mended."

I am rarely given such pleasant compliments.

Literary Laughs

I've been meaning to post for a bit, but I've either not been in the mood or been busy with festive stuff.

First of all - Happy New Year to you all! May thi year herald all those things you wished the last had.

Now that the formalities are over with - allow me to blether on about something I spotted in the shops between Christmas and New Year. Ross, Annalee and I headed down to Ocean Terminal to do a bit of Xmas shopping with our pennies, and one of the first stops was Waterstones. Now, under normal circumstances, I would not have gone in.

"Why?" I hear you ask. "Does it offend your faith?", "Have you been banned for some heinous act?", "Are you really a tree?". All valid questions, and all answers a resounding no. Generally speaking, I don't allow myself into Waterstones because if I go in, I am incapable of coming out without having spent something; And to elaborate further "something" tends to be a foolish amount. The last time I tried it I went in with money from someone else to pick them up a paperback they had asked me to get on the way to their house. I went in, I picked up said paperback and I came out again. Except somewhere picking up the paperback and reaching the front door I managed to pick books up, take them to the till and spend over £70!!

So since then, I have had to restrain myself by not even going in. On this day however, I had pennies to spend, so I saw no harm. Of course I came out with the obligatory purchases that I had expected (6 books to be precise), but whilst in there, I spotted this little beauty:



MARIA!!!! (and I actually did shout that in Waterstones, much to Ross and Annalee's amusement).

I just about collapsed in laughter. I guess it's funnier for a Freemason (being me), but still - come on. I simply had to take a pic to share with you all!

I had a quick flick through it to see if I could find reference to some of the elements of Freemasonry that should not be out there in the public domain (anyone who shouts sheep will indeed be assassinated I assure you - yeah that's right, I have such power:P) but there was nothing. So how is exactly is it "Freemasonry for Dummies", if it doesn't educate you fully on the subject! I have a few of the 'dummies series on varies subjects, however this did lower my opinion a little.

How do they do it then? How do they educate you, when they have not told you everything? Well, technically, from what I could see, it should really be entitled "The History of Freemasonry" as it really only talks about the links to events of the past, the physical art of Stone Masonry, and eludes to a few of the speculative elements, without really telling you anything.

Come on guys - you're supposed to be educating the common man - not leading them up the garden path!!


:)

Flight, we are go for launch

This year brings a number of new things and new perspectives for me at Christmas time, and in an unprecedented manouver, I am actually smiling. Christmas has always been one of my favourite times of year, but I admit to feeling a little "Bah-Humbug!" up until this point this year.

I don't imagine that's out of character considering the bad news I have had recently concerning jobs etc, but still I feel like smiling. Why? Well mainly because, it is my belief that, if you can smile at no other time of the year, if you can find no other time to put all angers and haunting, arguments and quandries to the side, then you should do so at Christmas. Not because of any religious or morale grounds, but simply because it's one of the few times where families get together and enjoy time in each others' company. To someone like me, family is the most important thing, and so Christmas holds a special significance for me. Despite it's lead up to January, my least favourite month of the year for many reasons, I can find time to smile, love and occasionally, and surprisingly sing (though not in anyone elses company :P).

So I give my best Christmas wishes to all those people who have touched my life. My family is not always those who share my blood, and whilst some of those ties have been weakened, broken and are being reforged recently, but I spare no thought for the bad - and instead I wish you all the best of times.

May you all enjoy this time of year, enjoy the warmth created by your families, and come out of it with a new understanding of what life, whether it be painful or not, can offer in those small times when we are all together.

I'll be incommunicado over the next few days as I enter a communication blackout household (fancy-speak for no internet) but will return on the 26/27th.

My love to you all...and a very Merry Christmas.

Houston, this is B-Man, signing off.

Digital Decorating pt2

Well, with the help of Gurn, I have located some very nice sites which focus on blogger templates and how to change them.

With a little bit of work, I have changed the general look, and made things a little more to my liking. Comments don't work on peekaboo (need to look at that) and the title image etc are still very simple, but this should suffice until I can get sat down and create some cool stuff.

Thanks to the Gurn for the assistance provided.

B

Casting Musings

Whilst bored the other day there, I went trawling the net for a number of things that had occured to me to check and I had never gotten round to.

One of which, was to take a look for another update on the possibility of a Drizzt movie. "What's a Drizzt?", I hear you ask (which is a question often asked my the unitiated in the books). Take a look here to clarify your understanding.

It had been rumoured prior to the release of "The Rings Trilogy" that a Drizzt movie was on the horizon, pending the success of the former trilogy, however since that success has very much come and gone, I thought I would check the rumour mills to see what was going on. Not a lot.

It's clear there is still some idle chatter out there about the possibility of a Drizzt movie being made, more than likely in the form of a novel conversation from The Crystal Shard, however nothing substantial.

There does seem to be some fairly idle speculation on who might be cast as Drizzt, along with some personal recommendations. There are two that seem to be coming up regularly.

Wesley Snipes
Orlando Bloom.

People, people, people! What are you thinking?! Whilst I am a fan of the Snipes, and fully believe he has the martials arts prowess to convey that side of Drizzt (being a student of Escrima amongst other arts), however he is entirely too big in size, and has the wrong kind of charisma about him to properly deliver on the part of Drizzt. On the Orlando Bloom front, the build is fine, but I am not convinced his prowess in the arts is sufficient, and the fact that he has the charisma of a dry sponge doesn't help much either.

However, at this point allow me to state, that whilst I am having a pop at some people's recommendations for the part, I can offer none myself. I have considered who I would cast, and I am coming up a blank. It's not just for Drizzt either - I am having some difficulty pinpointing people I would cast in the place of Bruenor, Cattie-Brie, Wulfgar, Jarlaxle,Artemis Entreri, Matron Beanre, Matron Malice...and the list goes on.

Secondly, I came across a poll on the net, which listed the possible parts in the movie and multiple actors you could possibly cast in that role. I nearly sobbed. I mean, come on - Jason Isaacs as Drizzt Do'Urden - what was it, the nearly white hair in Harry Potter that did it!?! Then we have Tom Hanks as Bruenor Battlehammer - again an actor I have the greatest respect for, but as Bruenor - OH-DEAR-GODS!!!

It goes on and on, so instead of ranting at each choice, I'll simply let you make up your mind. Check it out here.

I think the only good suggestion I seen on this page was that Ridley Scott would direct...thats not a terrible idea I admit....

As for the rest, I think my eyes actually bled....

Digital Decorating

So it seems I might have a new home. No, I am not moving again (hopefully), I meant this place. I still have a LJ account, but there are things associated with that I would rather avoid, and so I come back to blogger. Plus, I have to admit I do like the free range you have with the template over LJ's set templates.

So in the coming weeks I shall be revamping this template to make it my own. Already working on some graphics etc and will be speaking to the Gurnie-One to get some assistance on a couple of things I have not yet worked out. I need to get rid of this damned lighthouse nonsense though, because it doesn't quite fit the image I am trying to put across :)

With all the other stuff thats going on, it might take me a wee bit of time (will update you on that later) but I'll get there.

For now - Itterashai

KG

B and The Lurgy

I have the lurgy - damn you lurgy!!!!

It seems that every year, around this time, I catch a cold of varying severity. Last year I caught a minor cold which I had over the Christmas period, the year before that I was hit with flu in early December and had managed to thin that down to a nasty cough come Christmas day, and the three successive years before that I had tonsilitis.

The weirdest thing is that, for the most part, I am fine the whole rest of the year. This is the first cold I have had all year, and last year I was healthy all the way through the year before dreaded December hit! Grrr….

Not to worry, I am still plodding on, despite my sniffly, heavy headed demeanor.

In order news, I have again submitted some work to Wizards of the Coast for consideration. I am still in negotiations over a short story piece with some other more established writers, however this most recent submission is different. This is a Forgotten Realms piece. The three submissions I have put in previously have all been for my own world, at the behest of the company. However they have opened their doors to unsolicited Forgotten Realms material and so I have taken up the challenge.

I would be incredibly proud to have my own world published by Wizards (or anyone else for that matter) and would consider it a massive achievement on my considerable list, however there is also an overwhelming appeal behind having my name listed next to writers like Elaine Cunningham, Richard West, and of course R.A. Salvatore as writers of the realms. To be able to contribute to an already fantasically written world (one which, through the medium of novels and roleplaying I have come to love) would be a dream come true. My ultimate goal, should I be successful in being printed, would be to be one of those fortunate "up and coming" writers to be involved in a multi-author project, like those who worked on "The War of the Spider Queen" project. To be able to work with other more established writers in the creation of a story, overseen by Bob Salvatore himself, would be an honour I would gladly except, with a real sense of awe.

However - little steps. That's all a pipe dream until I manage to convince those peeps at Wizards that I am, in fact, worthy of their time and effort. Until I can do that, I can't hope to achieve anything like those experiences mentioned above.

Alongside this, I am still looking in to going back to Uni. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder whats going on inside the void that is my head, since I was fairly disenfranchised with the whole University scene first time round. However, I would love the opportunity to do something like English Literature and Creative Writing in order to expand on my current strengths. I suppose it might well be considered one of those useless degrees that will never be used in the real world, but if it brings me closer to my dream of being a writer, then it's good enough for me. I still have many different things to consider before committing to this course of action, however to even be contemplating it at this time is a bonus for me.

Family life, for all its ups and downs, is getting better. My folks are not out of the woods yet, but they seem to have been shown a possible exit, which was completely closed to them previously. The relief in my dad's voice when I spoke to him was enough to settle my already racing heart for a bit, in the hope that they might just make this. Whilst it's got on top of me on occasion, the whole thing has served to strengthen my resolve about aspects of my own life, and some of the more spectacular mistakes I have made in the past - so much so that I have a plan!! Yes, I know, a plan!!!!

I know what I want. I am not 100% sure how to go about getting it just yet, but I have a way forward and that works for me. It's time to start working towards those things that I want from life, and I think I know how to begin that too. It's odd. I think it would be fair to say I have never been the same since Shona broke up with me all those years ago. I think at that point, any plans I had for life went right out the window with the relationship, and I never really managed to get those plans back.

Things are different now. I know what I want. I have the strength, determination and means to get it.

I never thought something so simple could be so inspiring, so compelling. It's not like a momentary euphoria, like the burst of endorphins after a spike of pain, it's something more, something almost tangible. It's something that can drive a person to become all those things they wished they could be. It can drive them to take in all the elements surrounding them, formulate ideas, plan events and generally find a direction to travel in that takes them where they want to be. It's something more powerful than anger, than hate, than violence.

It's hope.

Shields Up Captain

What an odd mood I am in today...

My demeanor is resting somewhere between jaded and downright miserable, and it has to be said, for no reasonable reason that I can ascertain. Granted, yesterday didn't end as well as I would have hoped, and threw me a little, but still.

Having stayed out at Ross and Annalee's place on Friday evening, we headed out to Dobbies (Ross wanted to do some shopping) and then headed straight into town to go to the moot. I always enjoy the moot, and the people there are always a laugh. Ross and I did our usual and got wellied in about the bar, and joined in the chat whenever we felt we had something to contribute (being the only two non-pagans present).

However, I seemed to get pissed a lot quicker, and on a lot less than I normally would, which was a little odd. Maybe its this horrific cold, maybe I drank too quickly, or maybe my constituation has taken a sudden decline, I dont know, but I was slurring by 10pm.

Now, I tend to be a happy drunk, and I laugh and joke and generally arse around when under the influence, and yesterday was no different - to a point. I started to feel a little down, and assuming it was as a result of the drink, I layed off a little. Unfortunately it seemed there was more to it, and Annalee, being her usual perceptive self, picked up on it almost immediately, despite my shields being up. She is one of the few people in this world who can penetrate those barriers (well to an extent anyway), regardless of my efforts and pick up on my emotions no matter what mask I wear.

Everything thats being going on with my family of late had gotten very heavy all of a sudden, and, being disappointed in myself for feeling the weight so early on, I was silently chastising myself when Annalee put her arm around me and told me to stop pretending.

I couldn't even hold myself together, and I could feel the sting of tears building up inside. I have not cried in front of anyone in a good while (and promised that I would never do so again), but I couldn't help myself.

Suddenly I felt very vulnerable, and very small, and I couldn't hold it together. Annalee scooped me up in a hug, which I readily accepted, and I fell apart. I couldn't even find the words to say what was going on, but thankfully with Annalee, it was unnecessary. If I am perceptive, then she is a virtual psychic.

I was due to head off to a party at Gordy's place to see Jules off before Chrimbo, but I couldn't pull myself together enough to do that, and instead went home.

I think there is a latent aspect of my upset yesterday that has carried into today, and it's affecting me more profoundly than I had expected. That, coupled with this sodding cold, and my mindset is a little torn.

Still, it'll pass I am sure - I just dont like it whilst it's here.

I don't do emotions very well these days, and spend more and more time meditating and processing my feelings than ever before. Last night was a lapse I hadn't expected in anyway, and it set me back on my heels to be sure.

Annalee insists opening up is a good thing, and I agree with her, but how do you do something like that when everything on the inside tells you it's too dangerous to do, and that it might hurt all the more? How do you get good at something you promised yourself never to do again?

Questions I might answer with time perhaps.....

Twisted Mirrors

Leave it to this crazy existence to give you a kick up the ass in the most indirect fashion, right when you weren't expecting it.

The last few months have been nothing short of monumental for me. I have changed dramatically as a person, without any real intention to do so. My outlook on life has changed spectacularly and I have begun (and in some cases fully completed) processing many of the things that haunt me on a daily basis; So much so I would say, for the most part that I am, for the first time in my life, at peace.

Match all that with the fact that my new start has gone better than I expected in as much as I have new permanent job (one which I have wanted to do for some time), I have a nice place to live (it'll do for now:)) and in general things are pretty settled.

So, how does the world interfere with that in a way which will have more impact than directly ruining any one of those things? Well, by hitting someone close to you instead. It seems that when I look around me, many of my closest friends and family are having a really hard time of it. If I wasn't quite as philosophical about things as I am these days, I would begin to feel guilty for the fact that things are settling for me, but regardless, that outlook doesn't prevent me (nor should it) from empathising and, in some cases, worrying frantically about those people I care about.

My parents have been going through a hard time recently, so much so that I suspected a seperation might be in order. Then, things seemed to sort a little, enough to keep them together, but with a lot of work ahead of them to resolve the issues. I put myself to work trying to assist in every way possible, only to find today, that my positive outlook was, perhaps, not so realistic.

Advice given to my father today was not of a positive nature, and has surely served to crush his spirit, and that of my mothers, even more.

Suddenly I find that my emotions are torn between a genuine worry and empathy for their situation, and a potent distress over the fact that I can do little-to-nothing to assist them.

Isn't it ironic that, sometimes, when the people closest to us are going through a hard time, we focus so heavily on what we don't seem to be able to do to help, and thus being a little self involved at a time where selflessness is the dish of the day.

I chastised myself today for such contemplations, realising that it was selfish of me to focus on my apparent helplessness instead of truly understanding, empathising and doing the small amount I can to help them along the road they must now follow.

I know much of what they are feeling, and I do not envy them for having to walk a dark tunnel from which, there often seems no escape.

My realisation that I was being selfish has however strengthened my resolve to do right by them by being there at every turn.

If they must walk that long, seemingly endless tunnel, then I plan to walk beside them, baring some of the weight so that the journey may not be as toiling and lengthy as it might otherwise be. They must have the strength to march on now, in this situation, but when that strength fails, and they fall, then I shall be there to pick them up, and carry them a little on their way; I'll carry them 'till they can indeed carry themselves once again, and together we will reach that light at the end of the tunnel - that light which I know to be there, but remains illusive to those too blinded by grief to see it.

This I vow with all that I am, and never let me sway from this path.

A Cat With 9 Lives

I don't think I'll ever understand how exactly my brain works. I don't suppose mines is different from anyone elses, except perhaps that it has a few less cells working in there than most.

In a week where a big positive change for me is coming (namely moving into a new place tomorrow and a fresh beginning), I find myself a myriad of emotions. Anxious, nervous, nostalgic, and most of all, but not surprisingly, afraid.

I have wanted to get back on my feet for so long now. After all the health problems, all the emotional rollercoasters, and the seemingly unending foray (is that a contradiction in terms?!) of bad luck, all I wanted was to get back on my feet and try to begin my life again.

It occured to me at that point, that I have done this before. Long ago, I changed everything, and started a new life. I took what I hated about my life (which at that point was everything), binned it, and started a-new. Only in hindsight can I see that that was a mistake. I was never starting a-fresh, leaving the old behind. It was all merely a continuation of the same old life. I had never changed, not really. All I had done was to suppress those horrific things inside of me, in favour of better, more honourable ones. How long did I expect that to last? The rest of my life? Nope, that was unrealistic, and virtually impossible. We are merely the sum of our experiences, with a few extra's thrown in, like the people we have around us.

I am sad to say that, whilst other factors intervened, I managed to fuck that "life" up too.

So now, I look on it, not as a new life but a fresh beginning. A new burst of energy after a rest from the toils. The world will throw more challenges, and hard times, and disappointments at me before I am done, and I have to face those with the vigor I have inside.

A person whom I valued so much in the past said to me recently said that he hoped I would regain that "lust for life" which he associated with me. I had never heard anyone say that about me before. It surprised me, and I found myself stuck for words, which threw me a little off balance, as I am so often overly wordy.

And so I look again to the myriad that my mind is. The dramatic, expansive stretch of emotions I now feel, and wonder how to sort one from the other.

Why am I afriad? That question is the easiest to answer. I feel let down, and I feel I have let others down. I lack trust in people, and I lack trust in myself. I am afriad to make all the same mistakes again, when it comes to people, when it comes to me, when it comes to life. Those are the things that scare me.

What also scares me is that, I feel quite spectacularly alone now. I am not alone of course. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful set of friends who get me through, and provide me with strength when I feel I have none. Still, I lost so much from the endeavors of the past, not least of which was a person whom I had called a brother. A person whom I had no fear of revealing my true feelings to, regardless of how frightened, or afraid, or angry I might be. I no longer have him, or that outlet, and whilst there are two that I can think of who would warrant such trust, I find it difficult to grant. One, I feel, needs me to be strong for him, not the other way around. The other, whilst demonstrating all the honour and brotherly love I could ask for in a true brother, I find I am not yet ready to bestow that trust to another who might hurt me. That is my wrong doing, but it does not change my inability to perform such an action.

Why am I nostalgic? For all the reasons above. For all of them, and because I wake up often in the middle of the night, and cry, wishing that it could all be different, and that I could have those people back that are no longer in my life; Because I want it to go back to how it was.

I know it cannot be the way it was. That is part of the realisation that has led me to understand that this is not a new life, and instead is a refreshing beginning, allowing me to use the knowledge of the past to the best effect - never to make the same mistakes again.

That realisation does not take away those feelings, though it does help to settle them slightly, preventing them from taking me over completely, and rendering me impotent to the actions I must now take.

So I say, bring on those challenges. I am no stronger than I once was - in fact, most likely quite the contrary - but I will face them down as the mountain does the storm, and I will prevail. This I know if I look deeply enough.

Bring on those challenges. I am ready.

Loving the Journey

Had an odd day yesterday I had to admit.

Actually - hold on! I just realised that the minute I notice I have had a good day, its suddenly odd. That's not right surely!

Had a good day yesterday! Ah there - better! In fact, I admit to having had a considerable amount of good days lately. The reasons for my good days are relatively inconclusive, and can't really be attributed to any particular event. I guess I got myself into a bit of a spiral where everyday was a downer and I just wanted to close my eyes. But not anymore!!

The reason for yesterday being such a good day is, I have to say, even more of a mystery to me, as I was bored senseless at work. I was sitting in what the technicians call "a holding pattern" (never ceases to make me smirk) as I was awaiting data from some other areas of the business before I could proceed with the project I had undertaken. As a result, I spent the day on "housekeeping" tasks and generally not doing much. I helped a few of the guys with some problems they were having, but for the most part myself and Colin sat and exchanged foolish witticisms for most of the day, including the theory that the muffin Colin was consuming was actually doing more work than us. I swear it chuckled at that revelation - as if mocking me.

Annnyyywwaaaayyy....

After cancelling my 6pm vid conference, I headed off early, and proceeded to head up to the flat (my new home as of the 8th of Sept) to pick some stuff up from Kevy. After some decent chat with Mr McAvinchey, and a bit of chat with Karen (who was dreadfully ill - poor sod that she is), I decided to make my way home.

It has to be said the meadows is a wonderful place to live in the summer. I decided to investigate local bus routes and so, instead of bee-lining for home, I meandered through the meadows, heading in the general direction of Forrest Road. The sun was going down, which cast a magnificent haze across the buildings of Edinburgh, giving the trees a phosphorescent glow between the mass of leaves still present. The place was still bustling with activity, but not in a Princes Street kind of way, and I found it to be extrememly pleasant.

Now, anyone who knows me is aware that I walk nowhere! It's not down to laziness (for the most part anyway), its more that I don't like to travel for too long, instead looking to arrive at my destination as quickly as is possible. I like the arrival at my location, not the journey to get there. That desire has hightened in recent years.

Still, I found myself wandering. Westwards towards Tollcross. Northerly towards Princes Street. North-Westerly towards Dalry. I wandered, not aimlessly, but curiously towards my destination, enjoying the jouney immensely. Still, even though the sun was all but down, did I enjoy the scenery, basking in the now dimming light of the big orange ball; Admiring the haze on Edinburgh's brickwork, and the glint on her windows.

It was, humourously, my stomach which broke me free of my glorious journey, reminding me that, whilst the greatest of travellers takes in all the sights he can on the way, he must still eat. It was then that I jumped on a good ol' bus to conclude my journey.

I walked into the house yesterday evening with a huge smile on my face (to the surprise of my parents, who have become used to my less than enthusiastic expressions in the last year since moving back home) and spoke evangelically about my experience, and how happy I felt.

It would seem I really did enjoy the journey. Long may that enjoyment, and that desire for life that I have been reminded of by some people, continue.

Progress is a trip across the bridge....

Is there really a balance to life I wonder?

We, as a people, often endulge in little half-truths or "granny's myths" (ironically closer to rhyming with "Granny Smiths" than I would like, but there we go), in order to make us feel better, or more justified in our cynical view of the world.

"Bad luck comes in threes"...and the likes.

So, is there really a balance. If you were to tally up the bad against the good, would the score be even? Is every negative act in our lives bolstered and counteracted by a positive one, even if its not immediate, or in order? I guess thats a question of perception, and temperament - for both skew our interpretation of what is good or bad, what is right and wrong.

And so I move from a generic generalised viewpoint, to a selfish, and more specific life. Mine.

Can the most recent good thing that has happened force those other less than enjoyable experiences to the background? Can it spread light across those incidents which have cast shadows on my spirit of late. Possibly, is the most direct answer I can come up with.

This was the beginning I needed. A new job, a new start. I look on this new job as a positive thing. It actually made me smile, and strangely, made members of my family tell me they were proud of me. I wonder if they were proud of me because they thought I had fixed myself, rather than simply securing new employment - the step to a new beginning. I know not, but their sentiments and comments were heartfelt and genuine, and for me, there can be no greater compliment.

So, a new job. A good thing to balance the bad? Perhaps. I didn't get here how I wanted to, but none of us ever do. If we had that much control over life, would it ever really be a challenge? Yet, if we did, would we all be so sorry to see an end to the challenge? In answering that question, I find myself referring to yet another well used, feel good "granny's myth":

"Everything in moderation...everything in moderation".

A Great Hole

'You're shy aren't you?'

'What?'

'You - you're shy'

'You've moved from asking me to telling me I see'

The look on her face was one of confusion, mixed perhaps with a little hurt. I, shamefully, hardly cared.

She proceeded to toss her hair across her shoulder in mock guesture. It seemed as if she might be practicing for a L'Oreal advertisment; All that was necessary was for her to tell me she was "worth it" and the picture was complete. Instead she grinned at me, and placed her hand on my shoulder.

'Have I done something to upset you honey?'

My look of incredulity didn't seem to pierce the surface. It could have been the alcohol. It could have been the makeup. I am unclear on the specifics.

'You haven't been around for long enough, or said enough to have upset me'

Again, confusion.

She stared at me out the top of her eyes, smirking slightly, as if we were playing some game of will, which I suppose, in some perverted fashion, we were.

'You're a strange one you'

I smirked. Not to be playful, but because of the absurd lack of knowledge she had. Because she had no idea how strange I really was, and no way of knowing.

She took it the wrong way.

She moved a little closer, tryin to navigate her way round me, between the others close by. Her hand went through the gap between the inside of my arm and my ribs and she took my forearm in her hand. My sigh, and apparent lack of interest was deflected by her field of stupidity and emptiness.

The band stopped playing, and my friend turned round from across the bar and put a thumb in the air. I nodded in response, silently agreeing that I liked what I had heard - from the band at least.

As people moved away towards the bar, she spun round on me, so she was face to face with me, all be it a little lower. She looked up, again out of the top of her eyes, and seemed to push her breasts out. There was clear line of sight down her low cut top, and it occured to me that despite my lack of interest, she boasted a fine figure.

She ran her hand up the outside of my arm and up my shoulder. I almost rolled my eyes at how cliche' the whole thing was. Her right hand went up to my face, curling to the back of my neck.

She pulled me towards her, preparing to kiss me. She closed her eyes, and in truth, I let her. I let her touch me, pull me towards her, close her eyes, even open her mouth a little, before I stopped.

'What is it?'

'Why?'

'Why what?'

'Why now, why would you want to kiss me?'

She tilted her head to the side a little in slight confusion - not for the first time I noted. I also noted that the expression itself was quite cute, and that she was in fact quite beautiful.

'I dont want to. I have no interest in you, and you have no interest in me, well apart from perhaps your interest in a quick fumble in the dark.'

She grinned. 'Maybe, but wouldn't that be fun and exciting?'

My mind, in a split second considered the answer I was inevitably going to give, and screamed at me. It wondered what was going on inside me. It slapped my brain, telling it to get its act together; telling it to snap out of its delirium.

'No'

She frowned, but hardly crumbled. So I made sure.

'You're empty and more to the point, so am I'

Confusion.

I rolled my eyes wondering how blunt I would have to be, and bizarrely it didn't bother me in the slightest if I had to destroy this girl. It was that lack of caring that told me I was indeed empty.

She let me off the hook. Off she went, grabbed her friend, who was attached to mine, and took off. My friend walked over to me with his arms open comically. I didn't laugh. I left.

What a bastard.

Starting A-fresh

Sometimes I feel that every major event in my life is accompanied by the creation of a new blog, LJ or some other online posting facility. Thinking on it, this seems highly ridiculous, and makes me wonder what I was thinking at the time. The irony of that contemplation is that by writing this, I am conforming to that very principle to which I presume not to understand.

Ah well, we are creatures of habit after all.

Myriad. Thats a good word for the thoughts inside my head at this point. The following comments are going to appear completely self absorbed, unappreciative and niave and in fairness, they will at least truthfully be of the former qualification.

Life, when I felt it was about at its hardest, just got harder. I wont go into miniscule detail over the why's and hows of the situation, except to say that life for the last 2 years has been a concentration of pain, anguish, loss and general discomfort, more so than any other period in my life. In the last 6 months, I have had to let go of a lot of things, whether I wanted to or not. I gave up the woman I loved, because that love was indeed unrequited, and with her the little girl I think of as my own. Now, after having to do that my best friend has done something that I cannot see past. He has betrayed me in a way I never thought he would.

I have often placed trust in people, and they have let me down, as people often do to others. Trying not to become the ultimate pessimist, I did my best not to allow that to affect the decisions of trust I would make in the future. I was aware that there was a risk involved, and that it was unlikely that no one would ever let me down in the future, but still I tried to continue to hold faith in the people around me.

It amuses me how much things change. The man I called family, the man whom with I placed every ounce of faith, was the man who eventually destroyed me. I shy when I think of it, because not only did he betray me, but in doing so, I have changed for the worst.

So now, a man whom I thought would never leave my life except to rise to that spiritual existence which I hope meets us all when we pass from this infernal world, has been ejected. I have never looked on him with true anger and despair before. Always have I revered him, respected him, loved him; Now, I have no idea who he is. He is a shell, a man I cannot connect with, because I do not understand how he could do what he has done after everything we have been through.

So, I must start again. It has a certain appeal, I admit. However, starting again is so much work, and it does not prevent my mind from creeping into the past in search of the things that made me who I am. The things, the people, the times that I loved...all of it.

My pain numbs me. His will pass with time no doubt. His life will take him places which may or may not bring him happiness, but soon I will be forgotten, and he will move on. It has begun already, and I find I resent him for it. I know that to be unfair as we all must move on with our lives. We all have skeletons and things to atone for, and he will do his best to atone for his mistakes, as I do for mine. But still, regardless of that logic in my head, I find myself resenting his recovery. Does hate swell inside me now, after all these years. After spending so long trying to make up for those awful things I have done in the past, and trying to be a forgiving, understanding, strong person; Does hate live here now?

How am I to know? If it does, does it blind me? Can a destroyed soul every really heal?