A Cat With 9 Lives

I don't think I'll ever understand how exactly my brain works. I don't suppose mines is different from anyone elses, except perhaps that it has a few less cells working in there than most.

In a week where a big positive change for me is coming (namely moving into a new place tomorrow and a fresh beginning), I find myself a myriad of emotions. Anxious, nervous, nostalgic, and most of all, but not surprisingly, afraid.

I have wanted to get back on my feet for so long now. After all the health problems, all the emotional rollercoasters, and the seemingly unending foray (is that a contradiction in terms?!) of bad luck, all I wanted was to get back on my feet and try to begin my life again.

It occured to me at that point, that I have done this before. Long ago, I changed everything, and started a new life. I took what I hated about my life (which at that point was everything), binned it, and started a-new. Only in hindsight can I see that that was a mistake. I was never starting a-fresh, leaving the old behind. It was all merely a continuation of the same old life. I had never changed, not really. All I had done was to suppress those horrific things inside of me, in favour of better, more honourable ones. How long did I expect that to last? The rest of my life? Nope, that was unrealistic, and virtually impossible. We are merely the sum of our experiences, with a few extra's thrown in, like the people we have around us.

I am sad to say that, whilst other factors intervened, I managed to fuck that "life" up too.

So now, I look on it, not as a new life but a fresh beginning. A new burst of energy after a rest from the toils. The world will throw more challenges, and hard times, and disappointments at me before I am done, and I have to face those with the vigor I have inside.

A person whom I valued so much in the past said to me recently said that he hoped I would regain that "lust for life" which he associated with me. I had never heard anyone say that about me before. It surprised me, and I found myself stuck for words, which threw me a little off balance, as I am so often overly wordy.

And so I look again to the myriad that my mind is. The dramatic, expansive stretch of emotions I now feel, and wonder how to sort one from the other.

Why am I afriad? That question is the easiest to answer. I feel let down, and I feel I have let others down. I lack trust in people, and I lack trust in myself. I am afriad to make all the same mistakes again, when it comes to people, when it comes to me, when it comes to life. Those are the things that scare me.

What also scares me is that, I feel quite spectacularly alone now. I am not alone of course. I have a wonderful family and a wonderful set of friends who get me through, and provide me with strength when I feel I have none. Still, I lost so much from the endeavors of the past, not least of which was a person whom I had called a brother. A person whom I had no fear of revealing my true feelings to, regardless of how frightened, or afraid, or angry I might be. I no longer have him, or that outlet, and whilst there are two that I can think of who would warrant such trust, I find it difficult to grant. One, I feel, needs me to be strong for him, not the other way around. The other, whilst demonstrating all the honour and brotherly love I could ask for in a true brother, I find I am not yet ready to bestow that trust to another who might hurt me. That is my wrong doing, but it does not change my inability to perform such an action.

Why am I nostalgic? For all the reasons above. For all of them, and because I wake up often in the middle of the night, and cry, wishing that it could all be different, and that I could have those people back that are no longer in my life; Because I want it to go back to how it was.

I know it cannot be the way it was. That is part of the realisation that has led me to understand that this is not a new life, and instead is a refreshing beginning, allowing me to use the knowledge of the past to the best effect - never to make the same mistakes again.

That realisation does not take away those feelings, though it does help to settle them slightly, preventing them from taking me over completely, and rendering me impotent to the actions I must now take.

So I say, bring on those challenges. I am no stronger than I once was - in fact, most likely quite the contrary - but I will face them down as the mountain does the storm, and I will prevail. This I know if I look deeply enough.

Bring on those challenges. I am ready.