Flight, we are go for launch

This year brings a number of new things and new perspectives for me at Christmas time, and in an unprecedented manouver, I am actually smiling. Christmas has always been one of my favourite times of year, but I admit to feeling a little "Bah-Humbug!" up until this point this year.

I don't imagine that's out of character considering the bad news I have had recently concerning jobs etc, but still I feel like smiling. Why? Well mainly because, it is my belief that, if you can smile at no other time of the year, if you can find no other time to put all angers and haunting, arguments and quandries to the side, then you should do so at Christmas. Not because of any religious or morale grounds, but simply because it's one of the few times where families get together and enjoy time in each others' company. To someone like me, family is the most important thing, and so Christmas holds a special significance for me. Despite it's lead up to January, my least favourite month of the year for many reasons, I can find time to smile, love and occasionally, and surprisingly sing (though not in anyone elses company :P).

So I give my best Christmas wishes to all those people who have touched my life. My family is not always those who share my blood, and whilst some of those ties have been weakened, broken and are being reforged recently, but I spare no thought for the bad - and instead I wish you all the best of times.

May you all enjoy this time of year, enjoy the warmth created by your families, and come out of it with a new understanding of what life, whether it be painful or not, can offer in those small times when we are all together.

I'll be incommunicado over the next few days as I enter a communication blackout household (fancy-speak for no internet) but will return on the 26/27th.

My love to you all...and a very Merry Christmas.

Houston, this is B-Man, signing off.

Digital Decorating pt2

Well, with the help of Gurn, I have located some very nice sites which focus on blogger templates and how to change them.

With a little bit of work, I have changed the general look, and made things a little more to my liking. Comments don't work on peekaboo (need to look at that) and the title image etc are still very simple, but this should suffice until I can get sat down and create some cool stuff.

Thanks to the Gurn for the assistance provided.

B

Casting Musings

Whilst bored the other day there, I went trawling the net for a number of things that had occured to me to check and I had never gotten round to.

One of which, was to take a look for another update on the possibility of a Drizzt movie. "What's a Drizzt?", I hear you ask (which is a question often asked my the unitiated in the books). Take a look here to clarify your understanding.

It had been rumoured prior to the release of "The Rings Trilogy" that a Drizzt movie was on the horizon, pending the success of the former trilogy, however since that success has very much come and gone, I thought I would check the rumour mills to see what was going on. Not a lot.

It's clear there is still some idle chatter out there about the possibility of a Drizzt movie being made, more than likely in the form of a novel conversation from The Crystal Shard, however nothing substantial.

There does seem to be some fairly idle speculation on who might be cast as Drizzt, along with some personal recommendations. There are two that seem to be coming up regularly.

Wesley Snipes
Orlando Bloom.

People, people, people! What are you thinking?! Whilst I am a fan of the Snipes, and fully believe he has the martials arts prowess to convey that side of Drizzt (being a student of Escrima amongst other arts), however he is entirely too big in size, and has the wrong kind of charisma about him to properly deliver on the part of Drizzt. On the Orlando Bloom front, the build is fine, but I am not convinced his prowess in the arts is sufficient, and the fact that he has the charisma of a dry sponge doesn't help much either.

However, at this point allow me to state, that whilst I am having a pop at some people's recommendations for the part, I can offer none myself. I have considered who I would cast, and I am coming up a blank. It's not just for Drizzt either - I am having some difficulty pinpointing people I would cast in the place of Bruenor, Cattie-Brie, Wulfgar, Jarlaxle,Artemis Entreri, Matron Beanre, Matron Malice...and the list goes on.

Secondly, I came across a poll on the net, which listed the possible parts in the movie and multiple actors you could possibly cast in that role. I nearly sobbed. I mean, come on - Jason Isaacs as Drizzt Do'Urden - what was it, the nearly white hair in Harry Potter that did it!?! Then we have Tom Hanks as Bruenor Battlehammer - again an actor I have the greatest respect for, but as Bruenor - OH-DEAR-GODS!!!

It goes on and on, so instead of ranting at each choice, I'll simply let you make up your mind. Check it out here.

I think the only good suggestion I seen on this page was that Ridley Scott would direct...thats not a terrible idea I admit....

As for the rest, I think my eyes actually bled....

Digital Decorating

So it seems I might have a new home. No, I am not moving again (hopefully), I meant this place. I still have a LJ account, but there are things associated with that I would rather avoid, and so I come back to blogger. Plus, I have to admit I do like the free range you have with the template over LJ's set templates.

So in the coming weeks I shall be revamping this template to make it my own. Already working on some graphics etc and will be speaking to the Gurnie-One to get some assistance on a couple of things I have not yet worked out. I need to get rid of this damned lighthouse nonsense though, because it doesn't quite fit the image I am trying to put across :)

With all the other stuff thats going on, it might take me a wee bit of time (will update you on that later) but I'll get there.

For now - Itterashai

KG

B and The Lurgy

I have the lurgy - damn you lurgy!!!!

It seems that every year, around this time, I catch a cold of varying severity. Last year I caught a minor cold which I had over the Christmas period, the year before that I was hit with flu in early December and had managed to thin that down to a nasty cough come Christmas day, and the three successive years before that I had tonsilitis.

The weirdest thing is that, for the most part, I am fine the whole rest of the year. This is the first cold I have had all year, and last year I was healthy all the way through the year before dreaded December hit! Grrr….

Not to worry, I am still plodding on, despite my sniffly, heavy headed demeanor.

In order news, I have again submitted some work to Wizards of the Coast for consideration. I am still in negotiations over a short story piece with some other more established writers, however this most recent submission is different. This is a Forgotten Realms piece. The three submissions I have put in previously have all been for my own world, at the behest of the company. However they have opened their doors to unsolicited Forgotten Realms material and so I have taken up the challenge.

I would be incredibly proud to have my own world published by Wizards (or anyone else for that matter) and would consider it a massive achievement on my considerable list, however there is also an overwhelming appeal behind having my name listed next to writers like Elaine Cunningham, Richard West, and of course R.A. Salvatore as writers of the realms. To be able to contribute to an already fantasically written world (one which, through the medium of novels and roleplaying I have come to love) would be a dream come true. My ultimate goal, should I be successful in being printed, would be to be one of those fortunate "up and coming" writers to be involved in a multi-author project, like those who worked on "The War of the Spider Queen" project. To be able to work with other more established writers in the creation of a story, overseen by Bob Salvatore himself, would be an honour I would gladly except, with a real sense of awe.

However - little steps. That's all a pipe dream until I manage to convince those peeps at Wizards that I am, in fact, worthy of their time and effort. Until I can do that, I can't hope to achieve anything like those experiences mentioned above.

Alongside this, I am still looking in to going back to Uni. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder whats going on inside the void that is my head, since I was fairly disenfranchised with the whole University scene first time round. However, I would love the opportunity to do something like English Literature and Creative Writing in order to expand on my current strengths. I suppose it might well be considered one of those useless degrees that will never be used in the real world, but if it brings me closer to my dream of being a writer, then it's good enough for me. I still have many different things to consider before committing to this course of action, however to even be contemplating it at this time is a bonus for me.

Family life, for all its ups and downs, is getting better. My folks are not out of the woods yet, but they seem to have been shown a possible exit, which was completely closed to them previously. The relief in my dad's voice when I spoke to him was enough to settle my already racing heart for a bit, in the hope that they might just make this. Whilst it's got on top of me on occasion, the whole thing has served to strengthen my resolve about aspects of my own life, and some of the more spectacular mistakes I have made in the past - so much so that I have a plan!! Yes, I know, a plan!!!!

I know what I want. I am not 100% sure how to go about getting it just yet, but I have a way forward and that works for me. It's time to start working towards those things that I want from life, and I think I know how to begin that too. It's odd. I think it would be fair to say I have never been the same since Shona broke up with me all those years ago. I think at that point, any plans I had for life went right out the window with the relationship, and I never really managed to get those plans back.

Things are different now. I know what I want. I have the strength, determination and means to get it.

I never thought something so simple could be so inspiring, so compelling. It's not like a momentary euphoria, like the burst of endorphins after a spike of pain, it's something more, something almost tangible. It's something that can drive a person to become all those things they wished they could be. It can drive them to take in all the elements surrounding them, formulate ideas, plan events and generally find a direction to travel in that takes them where they want to be. It's something more powerful than anger, than hate, than violence.

It's hope.

Shields Up Captain

What an odd mood I am in today...

My demeanor is resting somewhere between jaded and downright miserable, and it has to be said, for no reasonable reason that I can ascertain. Granted, yesterday didn't end as well as I would have hoped, and threw me a little, but still.

Having stayed out at Ross and Annalee's place on Friday evening, we headed out to Dobbies (Ross wanted to do some shopping) and then headed straight into town to go to the moot. I always enjoy the moot, and the people there are always a laugh. Ross and I did our usual and got wellied in about the bar, and joined in the chat whenever we felt we had something to contribute (being the only two non-pagans present).

However, I seemed to get pissed a lot quicker, and on a lot less than I normally would, which was a little odd. Maybe its this horrific cold, maybe I drank too quickly, or maybe my constituation has taken a sudden decline, I dont know, but I was slurring by 10pm.

Now, I tend to be a happy drunk, and I laugh and joke and generally arse around when under the influence, and yesterday was no different - to a point. I started to feel a little down, and assuming it was as a result of the drink, I layed off a little. Unfortunately it seemed there was more to it, and Annalee, being her usual perceptive self, picked up on it almost immediately, despite my shields being up. She is one of the few people in this world who can penetrate those barriers (well to an extent anyway), regardless of my efforts and pick up on my emotions no matter what mask I wear.

Everything thats being going on with my family of late had gotten very heavy all of a sudden, and, being disappointed in myself for feeling the weight so early on, I was silently chastising myself when Annalee put her arm around me and told me to stop pretending.

I couldn't even hold myself together, and I could feel the sting of tears building up inside. I have not cried in front of anyone in a good while (and promised that I would never do so again), but I couldn't help myself.

Suddenly I felt very vulnerable, and very small, and I couldn't hold it together. Annalee scooped me up in a hug, which I readily accepted, and I fell apart. I couldn't even find the words to say what was going on, but thankfully with Annalee, it was unnecessary. If I am perceptive, then she is a virtual psychic.

I was due to head off to a party at Gordy's place to see Jules off before Chrimbo, but I couldn't pull myself together enough to do that, and instead went home.

I think there is a latent aspect of my upset yesterday that has carried into today, and it's affecting me more profoundly than I had expected. That, coupled with this sodding cold, and my mindset is a little torn.

Still, it'll pass I am sure - I just dont like it whilst it's here.

I don't do emotions very well these days, and spend more and more time meditating and processing my feelings than ever before. Last night was a lapse I hadn't expected in anyway, and it set me back on my heels to be sure.

Annalee insists opening up is a good thing, and I agree with her, but how do you do something like that when everything on the inside tells you it's too dangerous to do, and that it might hurt all the more? How do you get good at something you promised yourself never to do again?

Questions I might answer with time perhaps.....

Twisted Mirrors

Leave it to this crazy existence to give you a kick up the ass in the most indirect fashion, right when you weren't expecting it.

The last few months have been nothing short of monumental for me. I have changed dramatically as a person, without any real intention to do so. My outlook on life has changed spectacularly and I have begun (and in some cases fully completed) processing many of the things that haunt me on a daily basis; So much so I would say, for the most part that I am, for the first time in my life, at peace.

Match all that with the fact that my new start has gone better than I expected in as much as I have new permanent job (one which I have wanted to do for some time), I have a nice place to live (it'll do for now:)) and in general things are pretty settled.

So, how does the world interfere with that in a way which will have more impact than directly ruining any one of those things? Well, by hitting someone close to you instead. It seems that when I look around me, many of my closest friends and family are having a really hard time of it. If I wasn't quite as philosophical about things as I am these days, I would begin to feel guilty for the fact that things are settling for me, but regardless, that outlook doesn't prevent me (nor should it) from empathising and, in some cases, worrying frantically about those people I care about.

My parents have been going through a hard time recently, so much so that I suspected a seperation might be in order. Then, things seemed to sort a little, enough to keep them together, but with a lot of work ahead of them to resolve the issues. I put myself to work trying to assist in every way possible, only to find today, that my positive outlook was, perhaps, not so realistic.

Advice given to my father today was not of a positive nature, and has surely served to crush his spirit, and that of my mothers, even more.

Suddenly I find that my emotions are torn between a genuine worry and empathy for their situation, and a potent distress over the fact that I can do little-to-nothing to assist them.

Isn't it ironic that, sometimes, when the people closest to us are going through a hard time, we focus so heavily on what we don't seem to be able to do to help, and thus being a little self involved at a time where selflessness is the dish of the day.

I chastised myself today for such contemplations, realising that it was selfish of me to focus on my apparent helplessness instead of truly understanding, empathising and doing the small amount I can to help them along the road they must now follow.

I know much of what they are feeling, and I do not envy them for having to walk a dark tunnel from which, there often seems no escape.

My realisation that I was being selfish has however strengthened my resolve to do right by them by being there at every turn.

If they must walk that long, seemingly endless tunnel, then I plan to walk beside them, baring some of the weight so that the journey may not be as toiling and lengthy as it might otherwise be. They must have the strength to march on now, in this situation, but when that strength fails, and they fall, then I shall be there to pick them up, and carry them a little on their way; I'll carry them 'till they can indeed carry themselves once again, and together we will reach that light at the end of the tunnel - that light which I know to be there, but remains illusive to those too blinded by grief to see it.

This I vow with all that I am, and never let me sway from this path.