Shields Up Captain

What an odd mood I am in today...

My demeanor is resting somewhere between jaded and downright miserable, and it has to be said, for no reasonable reason that I can ascertain. Granted, yesterday didn't end as well as I would have hoped, and threw me a little, but still.

Having stayed out at Ross and Annalee's place on Friday evening, we headed out to Dobbies (Ross wanted to do some shopping) and then headed straight into town to go to the moot. I always enjoy the moot, and the people there are always a laugh. Ross and I did our usual and got wellied in about the bar, and joined in the chat whenever we felt we had something to contribute (being the only two non-pagans present).

However, I seemed to get pissed a lot quicker, and on a lot less than I normally would, which was a little odd. Maybe its this horrific cold, maybe I drank too quickly, or maybe my constituation has taken a sudden decline, I dont know, but I was slurring by 10pm.

Now, I tend to be a happy drunk, and I laugh and joke and generally arse around when under the influence, and yesterday was no different - to a point. I started to feel a little down, and assuming it was as a result of the drink, I layed off a little. Unfortunately it seemed there was more to it, and Annalee, being her usual perceptive self, picked up on it almost immediately, despite my shields being up. She is one of the few people in this world who can penetrate those barriers (well to an extent anyway), regardless of my efforts and pick up on my emotions no matter what mask I wear.

Everything thats being going on with my family of late had gotten very heavy all of a sudden, and, being disappointed in myself for feeling the weight so early on, I was silently chastising myself when Annalee put her arm around me and told me to stop pretending.

I couldn't even hold myself together, and I could feel the sting of tears building up inside. I have not cried in front of anyone in a good while (and promised that I would never do so again), but I couldn't help myself.

Suddenly I felt very vulnerable, and very small, and I couldn't hold it together. Annalee scooped me up in a hug, which I readily accepted, and I fell apart. I couldn't even find the words to say what was going on, but thankfully with Annalee, it was unnecessary. If I am perceptive, then she is a virtual psychic.

I was due to head off to a party at Gordy's place to see Jules off before Chrimbo, but I couldn't pull myself together enough to do that, and instead went home.

I think there is a latent aspect of my upset yesterday that has carried into today, and it's affecting me more profoundly than I had expected. That, coupled with this sodding cold, and my mindset is a little torn.

Still, it'll pass I am sure - I just dont like it whilst it's here.

I don't do emotions very well these days, and spend more and more time meditating and processing my feelings than ever before. Last night was a lapse I hadn't expected in anyway, and it set me back on my heels to be sure.

Annalee insists opening up is a good thing, and I agree with her, but how do you do something like that when everything on the inside tells you it's too dangerous to do, and that it might hurt all the more? How do you get good at something you promised yourself never to do again?

Questions I might answer with time perhaps.....