Twisted Mirrors

Leave it to this crazy existence to give you a kick up the ass in the most indirect fashion, right when you weren't expecting it.

The last few months have been nothing short of monumental for me. I have changed dramatically as a person, without any real intention to do so. My outlook on life has changed spectacularly and I have begun (and in some cases fully completed) processing many of the things that haunt me on a daily basis; So much so I would say, for the most part that I am, for the first time in my life, at peace.

Match all that with the fact that my new start has gone better than I expected in as much as I have new permanent job (one which I have wanted to do for some time), I have a nice place to live (it'll do for now:)) and in general things are pretty settled.

So, how does the world interfere with that in a way which will have more impact than directly ruining any one of those things? Well, by hitting someone close to you instead. It seems that when I look around me, many of my closest friends and family are having a really hard time of it. If I wasn't quite as philosophical about things as I am these days, I would begin to feel guilty for the fact that things are settling for me, but regardless, that outlook doesn't prevent me (nor should it) from empathising and, in some cases, worrying frantically about those people I care about.

My parents have been going through a hard time recently, so much so that I suspected a seperation might be in order. Then, things seemed to sort a little, enough to keep them together, but with a lot of work ahead of them to resolve the issues. I put myself to work trying to assist in every way possible, only to find today, that my positive outlook was, perhaps, not so realistic.

Advice given to my father today was not of a positive nature, and has surely served to crush his spirit, and that of my mothers, even more.

Suddenly I find that my emotions are torn between a genuine worry and empathy for their situation, and a potent distress over the fact that I can do little-to-nothing to assist them.

Isn't it ironic that, sometimes, when the people closest to us are going through a hard time, we focus so heavily on what we don't seem to be able to do to help, and thus being a little self involved at a time where selflessness is the dish of the day.

I chastised myself today for such contemplations, realising that it was selfish of me to focus on my apparent helplessness instead of truly understanding, empathising and doing the small amount I can to help them along the road they must now follow.

I know much of what they are feeling, and I do not envy them for having to walk a dark tunnel from which, there often seems no escape.

My realisation that I was being selfish has however strengthened my resolve to do right by them by being there at every turn.

If they must walk that long, seemingly endless tunnel, then I plan to walk beside them, baring some of the weight so that the journey may not be as toiling and lengthy as it might otherwise be. They must have the strength to march on now, in this situation, but when that strength fails, and they fall, then I shall be there to pick them up, and carry them a little on their way; I'll carry them 'till they can indeed carry themselves once again, and together we will reach that light at the end of the tunnel - that light which I know to be there, but remains illusive to those too blinded by grief to see it.

This I vow with all that I am, and never let me sway from this path.