Starting A-fresh

Sometimes I feel that every major event in my life is accompanied by the creation of a new blog, LJ or some other online posting facility. Thinking on it, this seems highly ridiculous, and makes me wonder what I was thinking at the time. The irony of that contemplation is that by writing this, I am conforming to that very principle to which I presume not to understand.

Ah well, we are creatures of habit after all.

Myriad. Thats a good word for the thoughts inside my head at this point. The following comments are going to appear completely self absorbed, unappreciative and niave and in fairness, they will at least truthfully be of the former qualification.

Life, when I felt it was about at its hardest, just got harder. I wont go into miniscule detail over the why's and hows of the situation, except to say that life for the last 2 years has been a concentration of pain, anguish, loss and general discomfort, more so than any other period in my life. In the last 6 months, I have had to let go of a lot of things, whether I wanted to or not. I gave up the woman I loved, because that love was indeed unrequited, and with her the little girl I think of as my own. Now, after having to do that my best friend has done something that I cannot see past. He has betrayed me in a way I never thought he would.

I have often placed trust in people, and they have let me down, as people often do to others. Trying not to become the ultimate pessimist, I did my best not to allow that to affect the decisions of trust I would make in the future. I was aware that there was a risk involved, and that it was unlikely that no one would ever let me down in the future, but still I tried to continue to hold faith in the people around me.

It amuses me how much things change. The man I called family, the man whom with I placed every ounce of faith, was the man who eventually destroyed me. I shy when I think of it, because not only did he betray me, but in doing so, I have changed for the worst.

So now, a man whom I thought would never leave my life except to rise to that spiritual existence which I hope meets us all when we pass from this infernal world, has been ejected. I have never looked on him with true anger and despair before. Always have I revered him, respected him, loved him; Now, I have no idea who he is. He is a shell, a man I cannot connect with, because I do not understand how he could do what he has done after everything we have been through.

So, I must start again. It has a certain appeal, I admit. However, starting again is so much work, and it does not prevent my mind from creeping into the past in search of the things that made me who I am. The things, the people, the times that I loved...all of it.

My pain numbs me. His will pass with time no doubt. His life will take him places which may or may not bring him happiness, but soon I will be forgotten, and he will move on. It has begun already, and I find I resent him for it. I know that to be unfair as we all must move on with our lives. We all have skeletons and things to atone for, and he will do his best to atone for his mistakes, as I do for mine. But still, regardless of that logic in my head, I find myself resenting his recovery. Does hate swell inside me now, after all these years. After spending so long trying to make up for those awful things I have done in the past, and trying to be a forgiving, understanding, strong person; Does hate live here now?

How am I to know? If it does, does it blind me? Can a destroyed soul every really heal?