Nuke Dukem...yup that's right...

Ok, I'm a little late on the bandwagon here but I've been meaning to post about this for a while.

For any of you that pay attention to anything that happens at E3 you're likely going to know that this years E3 was not exactly the most successful. According to what's been said, and what I've seen so far, if E3 had been in a race, it would have come 9th out of 10, only just beating the Arthitis-riddled, I.V. dragging pensioner in lane 1.

However, weeding out any of the interesting bits leaves you with a great number of appaulingly "yawnable" presentations and conferences based around existing technology and fixes for things that should have worked correctly first time (see: Nintendo's Wii sensor fix).

However, by and far the worst example of E3's outrageously mediocre line up was the Duke Nukem trailer! No, before I go any further, let me just say I am a huge fan of the games. I've more or less loved every incarnation (the latter version being the least in that chart rating). As a result, I was keen to see what we could expect from Duke Nukem trilogy.

This is what they delivered:




Oh dear succubi-on-high, what an immense pile of shit! If I had wanted to see a 5 minute rotation of 10 year old pixel banners and shoddy flash work, I would have made it myself (believe me, I'm qualified!). E3 is supposed to showcase those pioneering companies out there pushing the boundaries of gaming and all things hardware related. Instead, we were subjected to this feeble excuse for a trailer?

Get it together E3 peeps - what exactly were you thinking?!!

Gay jokes abound....

In much the same fashion Yahtzee experiences delays in release dates in Australia, you have to put up with the delay in my posting his witty excerpts. Why? Because you do bitch - now shut it!

Anyways, Yahtzee tackles an Army of Two this week....

Get fit you Wiiklings...

TB dropped me a quick text today to ask

"have you heard about Wii Fit?"

Well, I have to admit the answer was no. I know, I know, please, stay calm. I am a hardcore gamer, but I can't possibly keep up with all the developments all the time. (Shouts of "why the hell not?!" will be punished)

After taking a wii look (see what I did there) I was suitably impressed. Sure, most things about the Wii are a bit gimicky, and some of them plainly dont work well, but this actually looks like a clever move on Ninty's part.

I can see me investing in one of these when they come out in the UK (25/04/08) but at £69.99 it's quite an expensive accessory for a console. I've not decided if I'll put some pennies aside and get one once they are released, or if I'll wait a while and see if they come down in price. I'll "hum" and "haw" over that one for a bit.

In the meantime, take a look!

Wet and Sticky!

All those who saw the title and thought something untoward.....you can STAY. Everyone else - out! :)

It's time for another weekly dose of Yahtzee so here ya are - enjoy!

Knickers!

Afternoon crunchy fuckers!

Well, it has been quiet here. Shut it, thats cos I have a life, now sod off and jump on a railroad spike you puke mongering arsehole.

Ahh, doesn't everyone feel better.

Now that I have wrestled the keyboard back from my retarded and rather evil alter ego, I'll get on with things shall I? Yes, lets.

Firstly, I have a list of posts I've been meaning to do, and have not yet written. This does not mean that I dont love you, no no, it simply means I've had way to much to occupy my time.

I'll get my report from Norwich to you as soon as I can!

However, firstly, it occured to me that I had not given you the latest version of Yahtzee's ramblings - so here ya are:





Extra points for folks who spot the appearance of another well known online personality :)

Shatterblasted!

As always, Yahtzee's latest ramble is on the interweb and you've found it here fir...well one million, three hundred and seventy thousand, five hundred and thirty second to be precise, but ya know.......ahem.



Also, take a look at De-rez's latest video. Some parts are funnier than others, but the minute I seen the Max Payne parody it had to be posted :)

Adam and.....

So, it official, I am once again completely addicted to EVE Online. I bought the game when it first came out back in '03 and played for about a year, getting involved in what was, at the time, one of the biggest "Corporations" in the game, Explore-Eve.

Then due to financial jiggery pokery and other games, I let my subscription lapse and EVE was absorbed into the pile of backshelf games I own.

Then, 4 years later, an old online friend of mine, a chap I gleefully refer to as '1N54N3' told me he was thinking about getting the EVE trial as he'd never tried it. Curiosity took hold of me, what with having peeps to play with again, and the fact that a major patch, named Trinity, had been released since I last played, and I signed back up.

And now I'm hooked - again!

Getting back into it wasn't easy given I couldn't remember my username and password and thus had to submit the mother of all petitions to CCP (the company who develop and run the online world) to have it unlocked. After 2 weeks of waiting, I finally figured it out by myself without their help and I was in! :)

It took a while for me to remember and get back to grips with the complex nature of the game, but I'm now all but back to the skill level I was at (just below the cats on the skill chart). I am playing with the character I created all of 5 years ago, and found that Explore-Eve is no more. Having emptied the remaining coffers of the Corp (being CEO now that everyone had left) I headed off into cold and dark space.

I successfully managed to get my loverly Omen class cruiser destroyed at a jump gate, then got podded (search for podded).

Thankfully through that whole process I managed to find a good group of guys who invited me to join a brand new Corp named, Elite Rangers. Having ignored my initial l337 jokes, we get on well :)

So, the game is back on. Its one of many games I'm playing at present (ignore the panels to your left - they need updated) but its well worth the cost :)

And just for fun, here's my baby, and replacement for Varsidius VII.

:D

Better late than never.....

I realised that, due in some part to Yahtzee being off to GDC two weeks ago, I have forgotten to post the last two vids published. So here they are:

27/02:



21/02:

An otter chewing an electric fence...priceless!

This week Yahtzee shows his love for Nazi Germany....oh and he reviews Sim City Societies too.....

CoD Piece

This week Call of Duty 4 get the verbal ravaging it deserves by that satirical monster Yahtzee (with a generally unprecedented amount of ego massaging thrown in!).

Jill Valentine You Slut!

Yahtzee's newest gibberations are aimed at most recent adventures of that mego-lo-maniacal virus swiller - Umbrella.

Better Late than Never....

Yahtzee does it again this week. The almightly goat hump is given to The Witcher this time....enjoy.

Yahtzee Questions Silent Hill's Origins....

Yahtzee gives Princess Peach one!

As promised, here is the next installment from the flame retardant narcissist....you gotta love 'im.


Oh and Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all you folks! I hope the great big peado in the red fluffy outfit was "good" to you all and that you all got sloshed on Hogmany - huzzah!

All Hail Yahtzee!

I make a point of "reading" Yahtzee's "Zero Punctuation" reviews every week, and I thought it might be an idea to start including them here.

What the hell is a Yahtzee? Is that not that incredibly shit game old people play?? Well yes, but thats not THIS Yahtzee!

To understand fully who and what Yahtzee really is - you should check out his own site, and the site he writes for, namely The Escapist.

So peeps of CFOM, here it is!

Enjoy :)

B

A Day in the Face of a Gamer

So,

Last night naturally decended into Counterstrike madness with Gurn and bedjoingle (yeah, I don't know either) mad hatter timberwolf (a.k.a Jesse). After our first stint on a new server, Gurn and I had agreed to revisit, not only because it was fun, but because I wanted (see: needed) to experience an element of the server that had been whipped out of my vicious paw previously.

What am I talking about? I have no idea. No really, I don't. Ahem.

Well, for those of you who are, frankly, stupid enough not to have played the wonder that is CS, a number of servers use custom sounds during the gameplay which add to the....customness of the experience.

Why do you care? Well wait and I'll tell you why you care!

My CS config script stops these sounds from being downloaded so as to prevent the excrutiatingly long wait they cause when you log into a server for the first time. While I get logged into the game and frag myself a few witless wonders, poor Gurn can be sitting there waiting on "bigsaggytittiessoundfile.wav" to download.

Not for me!

However, throughout our previous trip to this server, I had been graced with the sound of Gurn spilling urine over his office chair via our skype connection. The cause? The huge number of custom sounds installed on the server.

Not this time bitch! I won't miss out - says BMan. So I altered the old script and prepared to play.

Now, most people dont understand the preparation that goes into one of Gurn and I's gaming sessions. This is not gaming - its ritual.

So, I prepared myself with my handy checklist:

Cream Soda?



CHECK!

Munchies?



CHECK!

Gaming Headgear?



CHECK!

I was ready to go. The conference call over Skype was sorted and on we went.

Sweet mummydaddy! Aside from the vomit-like stream of brain farts coming from myself, G and J, the sounds on this server were hilarious, not to mention most were incomprehendable (well to G and I) given they were in German!

I was laughing so hard initially, I completely forgot to take screenshots. I remedied that soon after!

We ended up playing on a map called "Westwood" which none of us had played before. This whore of a shanty town, come western village, come...well you get the idea, was filled with nooks and crannies (no one mention grannies!) to get lost, stuck and shot in.

Worse than that, there were two members of the clan who owned the server on, and they were taking full advantage of our stupidity.

As a result, we were struggling to hold the wee bastards at bay:



And so, Jesse and I went to avenge The Gurn's dead and Jesse whipped out the sniper and poked it in various directions:



I proceeded to throw my self helplessly in the line of fire with a number of sniper rifles, only to have Gurn and Jesse dive in front of me, toting Max Payne style Dual Barettas and inducing the "Bullet Time" facility on the server.

Screw you guys, I'm going home!

After getting over the frustration of having the witless wonders dive about in front of me killing everything, I began to appreciate the effort, and instead spent more time watching than playing :)



Eventually, westwood came to an end and we ended up playing cs_italy. It was here, we all came into our own, including BMan truly.

I got so caught up in playing I forgot to take screenshots again, but suffice it to say, I was on fire and in good fettle.



The threesome began to gel, and we all took up our positions to infuriate the enemy, with Gurn and I both managing to shred a few, and big J graduating from n00b to formidible!





There were some moments we got carried away, and with power, kills and cocaine (wait, scratch that last one) going to the head, mistakes were made.

I managed to shoot Gurn in the back of the head with an AK47:



Despite the mistakes, we finished up, having humiliated the clan boys, and rating up top on the table of coolness and big dickedness, or something.



HOWEVER. Disaster struck! One of the guys on the server, who had previously, not been playing all that well, suddenly became what, in the gaming world, we refer to as "uber". (Yes, I'm in touch with the gaming world ya know!).

Going from finishing Italy on 14 kills to 21 deaths, he suddenly started wracking up a foolish score, headshotting all who moved, and winning every round.

More of this ensued:



As the shouts of "hacker", "cheater" and "scripts!" began to echo throughout the level "Office", he began to protest, which made us all the more disbelieving:



And then sad:



And inevitably, angry and convinced we were being cheated:



Naturally, our annoyance decended into sarcasm, and an continuous enslaught of para machine gun strafing which just annoyed everyone else on the server too :)

We drew our play to a close, on noticing that it was after midnight, and immediately following our traded insults, logged off.

Ah, just like the old days :D

B